


Being Caught In The Middle Never Looked So Good

by Trombonesonmars



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Clothed Sex, Frotting, Incest, Inebriated Sex, Multi, Quadrant Confusion, Rosemary and Thyme is a great ship name, Threesome - F/F/M, Xeno
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-13
Updated: 2013-08-13
Packaged: 2017-12-23 10:11:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/925138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trombonesonmars/pseuds/Trombonesonmars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kanaya Maryam is worried about Rose's growing problem with alcohol and goes to Dave for advice on how to help her matesprit. Things are complicated, however, when she finds out he is harboring feelings for his sister, and Rose walks in on them at an inopportune moment. Rose proposes a solution to their 'problems' that ends up working out quite nicely for everyone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Being Caught In The Middle Never Looked So Good

**Author's Note:**

> Originally done as a fill for HSWC Bonus Round 1 in response to a prompt from DW user muusings, this has been further edited for ao3.
> 
> Link to the original post: http://hs-worldcup.dreamwidth.org/3493.html?thread=523173#cmt523173

_"You are the girl that I've been dreaming of_  
Ever since I was a little girl  
You are the girl that I've been dreaming of  
Ever since, ever since  
  
[...] He don't suspect a thing, I wish he'd get a clue  
I'm not gonna teach him how to dance, dance, dance, dance  
  
One, you're biting my tongue  
Two, I'm kissin' on you  
Three, is he better than me?" -Black Kids, _I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance with You_

_  
_

You, Kanaya Maryam, might possibly be in over your head with this girl. For one thing, while Rose has assured you time and time again that her consumption of the soporific human beverages is safe and normal, you are beginning to suspect she is full of shit. Even Dave, her strange ectobiological hatchmate, has confirmed this fear to be legitimate.

 

She is infuriatingly without regard for her duties to the crew of the meteor as a powerful seer, but… It is pitiful like nothing else, and you just want to HELP her back to her old self and oh dear, this is getting awfully pale, now isn’t it? No matter. As Rose has no true moirail, you fear you may be forced to once again consult with the loquaciously lewd Dave human.

 

You sigh and straighten your favorite old red dress, carefully let out at the hem to match your new, taller frame. It is time to ‘face the music’ that is the Dave human.

 

Dave peers out from behind the frame of his block entryway, quirking an eyebrow above his oversized dark glasses as he looks up at you. “Yo, Maryam. What’s up with you so early in the morning?”

 

You breathe out slowly and brace yourself for conversation in the human vernacular. “In the veil there is neither up nor down, actually, so I believe your question is moot. Nor is there a morning or evening. Regardless, I have something to speak of with you.”

 

“You don’t say. So what is it that brings you to this side of the tracks at the crack of the non-existent dawn? I realize I'm a hot commodity, what with my engagements with the mayor and appointments with Karkat to watch shitty chick flicks, but man, you'd think you could at least wait until I got breakfast. I guess I'm willing to lend an ear to the apple of my sis’ all-seeing eye, though. Do you want to come in or what, because I’m not really dressed yet, and I don't think the hallway is ready to see such a sumptuous piece of Strider ass.”

 

You purse your lips— distributing your lipstick more evenly and grinding your fangs at the same time— and wait until he is done with his obligatory rambling. “Dave. It is about Rose.”

 

He stiffens for a moment, then nods in the direction of his block. “Well, far be it from me to deny a classy dame a kick-ass knight’s chivalry. Come on in to Casa de Strider.”

 

Dave’s respite block, you see, is just as messy as Rose’s. Unlike her, however, the detritus strewing the floor contains fewer knitted garments and mystery liquid flasks, and more jagged-edged swords and empty juice bottles.

 

He seems… more open with his personal territory than you had expected, considering his curtness upon answering his door. For one thing, he is only wearing a loose pair of shorts, and his comfort platform is right THERE and it is covered in all the quadrant symbols and discarded clothing that he is quickly brushing into heaps on the floor. If you didn’t know there was the peculiar ‘incest’ taboo among humans that carries over to partners of family members, you would almost think your matesprit’s hatchmate was coming onto you, doing that. That’s humans for you, though.

 

He leans over and clumsily grabs at one of the rumpled shirts he just threw to the ground, puts it on, and then flops down on the platform and covers his lower half with the cloth blanket, and oh my, he is patting it to invite you to sit.

 

If he is hitting on you, you have no idea in which quadrant.

 

You sit down primly on a relatively flat portion of the platform’s over-covering, before turning to face him as he removes his reflective shades and blearily rubs at his ocular orbs. “So, Dave, you have mentioned previously that Rose’s imbibing of her human beverages is problematic, but I have noticed that you have not made an attempt to modify her behavior.”

 

He glances at you a little sharper than you are used to, flashing a hint of red eyes. “I’m not her keeper, Maryam. If you’re looking to hook her up with a monorail or something, remember babe, I’m a human. We don’t do that shit.”

 

You blush in embarrassment. He’s not interested in her that way at all; you read their relationship more incorrectly than you had feared. “I apologize if I have stumbled upon another human taboo regarding intra-familial relationships. Is conciliation as off-limits for siblings as it is for sexual intercourse then?”

 

“… Maryam, what the fuck. You are as blunt as… I don’t know, a wooden club or something, it’s too early for this. Oh wait, isn’t ‘clubs’ one of your quadrants too? If that’s what you’re after then hell to the fucking no, I am not interested in mediating between you and Rose.”

 

That sounds disturbingly like what you were doing, now that you think about it. You usually offer conciliatory assistance, not request it, but… No. Whatever your intent is, auspistice hunting is not it. “We are not about to flip black, if that’s what you mean. No offense, but you are not exactly auspistice material anyway.”

 

He hunches over himself and replaces his shades before glancing at you blankly. “Gee, that felt almost like a burn there, Maryam. You have learned well, padowan."

 

“I was merely stating a fact. Few trolls are of such substance themselves. But the point remains; I have noticed that she seems more distant with lately as well, has she not?”

 

Sagging a bit, he replies. “Can't blame her much. Too much exposure to all this swag has been known to have lasting effects on the ladies. Wouldn't want to infect her with the mad envy and have her swoon all over can town. Shit would be unconscionable.”

 

As usual his speech patterns consist of three parts words to one part meaning, and the one part meaning is stubbornly opaque. Perhaps you are engaging him in conversation incorrectly; an inquiry as to his own personal state might be in order, so as to elicit his good will.

 

You venture once again. "Of course. Is that why you are hiding your unclothed limbs under your sheets? If you are attempting to shield me from untoward levels of skin exposure, I assure you that I have seen that much and more on Rose, so you needn't worry about overwhelming me."

 

He flushes an (intoxicatingly) bright red at that for some reason and curls up tighter into himself. "So you finally noticed that, huh. I know I'm not to your refined lesbian tastes, but save a man some pride and for the love of sweet grubby troll jegus don't wave images of my naked sister in front of my nose while you point it out, alright?"

 

You fear you are beginning to lose control of this conversation. "That was quite a bit more than I intended to imply, but if it bothers you, I shall certainly endeavor to be sensitive about your human mores. Although I must admit that tact is not my forte."

 

He snorts at that and loosens his grip on his lap-covering, and yes, perhaps that was a rather obvious thing to say, so you laugh a little yourself. "Please, let me at least help you clean up in amends for calling on you so early."

 

This helpful impulse is soon proven to be in error, as when you start to slide off the raised platform to get up, you end up dragging the loose covering off with you. And off of Dave.

 

About to ask him where you should start cleaning, you turn to face him again, and you notice something. There seems to be something stiff tenting up his sleeping shorts, where you know from experience with Rose there should be no bulge. Worried, you motion towards his lap with your hand and point it out before you can think better of it. “What is that in your pocket, Dave? It doesn’t look like it fits very well. Perhaps I should modify the garment to make it more serviceable for you—”

 

You stop as you see that Dave's face losing its redness, and is now turning more of a sickly gray-white. He jerks and quickly covers his genital region with both hands. “You can move away from the sleepwear, dude. Maryam, this is not a call for the fashion police. It is a physiological… thing that you don’t need to worry your pretty little head over. Just give me a moment and you can start puttering or whatever it is snarky broads do to be helpful.”

 

…That was certainly not the reaction you expected. "I'm sorry Dave, does waking certain individual humans suddenly have adverse medical effects? I can ask Rose if she has any knowledge that can help."

 

His eyes widen enough that you can see his face move behind his glasses and he makes an entirely un-Dave-like choking noise. After a couple false starts he manages to get out, "Maryam don't you _fucking dare_ call her in here, or I'll... I'll explode or something. Please just, let's postpone this, got it? It's guy stuff. Or human guy stuff so just..."

 

The door to his room creaks open--apparently it wasn't closed all the way, what lax security Dave has on his block--and you follow Dave's horrified gaze over your shoulder. Sure enough, there is Rose in her rumpled godtier-themed nightgown you had insisted on making for her. "Hello, Rose. Um."

 

She is wrinkling her nose in confusion and scratching at an impressive case of bedhead. "Hey, guys. Whatsh the big deal so late ahht night? I've been lookin all over for ya, Kayaya. Oh, hi Dayvvuh. Did I hear mah name?"

 

You turn back to the normally blank-faced Dave, and you are not sure you have ever seen someone look so horrified to see someone.

 

He stutters a bit. "Hey, uh, Rose. Would it kill you to give us, er, me, some privacy? And it's morning already, for crying out loud."

 

She stumbles over a plastic bottle cap graced with a picture of a happy apple, and swears, hopping up on one foot to dislodge it. She giggles, heading towards you and Dave. You do not know what is going on with him, but you feel that maybe you should keep her away from him. Or you would if you were not so entranced by their odd behavior.

 

"Dawwww, thatsh the moost bruzzerly thing you'vvuh ever said to me. Whatsh got you so grumpy this *hic* late slash earrrrly in the communal sleep cycle." Rose proceeds to envelop Dave in a hug, leaning precariously.

 

Dave squawks and scrambles back to avoid her, but she topples on top of him anyway, making the sleeping platform bounce underneath you. He is somehow even paler than before, and has gone thoroughly stiff. Rose looks at him with a dopey, tired looking smile and nuzzles him for a moment.

 

You clear your throat. "Rose. I believe your brother wishes to be alone to care for... things, so let's just leave. I'll take you back to your block."

 

Rose looks at you muzzily and frowns, "Come on Kanyanya, what's the big deal with a little sisterly lurve?"

 

Dave moans and closes his eyes, and as you see his face flush red again and his hips jerk up against Rose's stomach you think you finally get what's going on. Well. The incest taboo suddenly seems more relevant to your situation.

 

You can think of no response to that and just stare down at where the two siblings are pushed against each other and examine Rose's face.

 

Slowly, ever so slowly, her expression seems to draw together into a more traditionally Rose-like look of comprehension. She springs back from her brother and falls down on her butt with a yelp.

 

Dave snaps his legs up towards his body on the bed covers his eyes with a low, pitiful moan. Rose is kind of gaping at the mysterious human affliction affecting his groin. You don’t know quite what is happening, but you are having acute sympathy pains for his obvious discomfort.

 

Rose finally finds her voice, sounding noticeably more sober. "Dave, I am sooo sorry. I did not mean tuh… to tease you. It’s just a, a morning thing, right? Or…?"

 

Dave goes silent and still. Rose's eyes go wide, and she whispers, "Oh. Oh, Dave."

 

You are torn between helping Rose up and reassuring the horrified Dave.

 

Instead, Rose, for once in recent memory, does the sensible thing. She sways upright, straightening her pajamas bottoms to rest normally. "Ok guys, let's talk this out. Were youse two, like, toGETHER together jusht now, or..."

 

Dave props himself up on his elbows and makes a noise half-way between a sob and laughter. "Really? I’m no homewrecker. If that’s what you are implying, my chivalrous soul is wounded. Your lovely xeno-wife is not on the frequency of my kink radar. You might say that my sights are more at sea-level than the stars. I’d rather skim the earth I sprung from, and find my fellow earthly mammals like on the sketchier late night shows on the Discovery Channel. If those are, like, a thing. I don’t even know, forget it.”

 

So he really is a slam poet. Fascinating.

 

Rose's face softens into a look of softest pity that would warrant a triple diamond rating on a conciliatory porn vid. It seems that she’s finally gotten what was apparent to even you minutes ago. "So thatsh… _that_ is for me?"

 

He laughs weakly. "I don’t see why you’re surprised. Attraction is the natural reaction of the ladies to my fabled Strider charm. But in the timeless veil, there’s a kink in this chain of hotness. With only so many ladies worthy of this bod, it turns out that the one I can’t get out of my head is my long-lost sister. There’s even a fucking heartfelt reunion like some sentimental bullshit on Oprah.  And of course, she’s chosen to sack up with the only other resident lady-killer. Who I guess is technically more of a dude-killer if you count actual homicide, but…”

 

Dave’s rambling peters off and he shifts, his light yellow hair falling to cover the top of his shades.

 

As this ‘conversation’ does pertain to you, you feel you are qualified to add your two caegars. "For once in our mutual acquaintance, can you refrain from excluding me from your dialogue by relying on obscure human references?"

 

Rose walks over to the bed and nudges Dave's leg over so she can fit between you. You feel her warmth beside you, but in this situation it feels strange, less familiar and more acutely alien than ever before. "Both of you bring up ekshelle... excellent points, but I gotta ask, how do we make this work?"

 

Dave looks between you and Rose with shocked eyes.

 

You respond in unison. "Make it _work_?!"

 

Your matesprit rubs a soft hand against your back and the other on Dave's lower thoracic region. He twitches against her touch and you feel like you are spying on them, even though by all rights you set nearly as much of this in motion as either of them.

 

Taking pity on her brother, you lean down and whisper in Rose’s ear. "I think that you may be causing him undue confusion and distress. If you don’t—”

 

She shakes her head vigorously, accidentally bumping her face against your chest and startling you silent. With a deep breath in and a long exhale that smells like homebrewed soporifics, you see that Rose is a bit shaky herself, looking thoughtfully at Dave on her other side.

 

Still petting Dave's stomach, Rose says in a soft voice, "It's lonely, I know. We're the only ones around from the ol’ human group, and it sucks. So I’ve been shitty, cuz you just remind me of everything we used to have. But, but the smart seer-y thing to do was look at the shitchu… situation and admit I shoulda been spendin more TIME with you.”

 

You note that she seems impressively in command of her logic and reason for someone who can only halfway form sentences. The note demands immediate revision, however, when she grabs you by the shoulders and tumbles the both of you into a pile on top of Dave, giggling. Perhaps she is not so high-functioning after all.

 

With an undignified squawk, you find yourself on top of a cuddle pile of warm, squishy humans with a face full of tangled yellow hair. You try to squirm away so as not to crush the smaller humans, but Rose's arm is insistent enough (and delectably soft and tempting enough) to keep you in place. Despite your best judgment you huff and rearrange yourself around her so that Dave will have more breathing room and you manage to get a peek at his face.

 

Conveniently, upon being assaulted by Rose's exuberant cuddling, his glasses have been knocked askew, hanging half off his face. From what you can see of his expression he might be feeling a little shell-shocked.

 

He tries to crane his neck up enough to see Rose's face, but alas her nose is firmly smushed against where his chesticular sacks would be if he was fortunate enough to possess them. He frowns and gives up, thunking his head back down on top of the sleeping pad.

 

You catch each other’s eyes and raise an eyebrow in unison.

 

He breaks the moment. "So, by 'making it work' do we mean hot troll-quadrant blurring cocktease piles of lady-loving sisters and a bonus bro or is that me reading into things?"

 

Rose beats you to it and pries one of her arms out of the cuddle pile to smack a hand over his mouth. "Shut up, Dave. Or shoosh, I guesh. Haha. But I mean, thoshe things are mostly truish, ‘cept that the cocktease part is not a requirement, per se."

 

Dave makes a noise rather like an 'eep' and underneath you Rose grinds her hips down on him.

 

You find yourself thinking that maybe you ought to be jealous of this, but then Rose twists her neck around and gives you a sloppy, slightly off-target kiss. That makes you feel decidedly more OK with the situation.

 

The inexpert slide of her tongue against your teeth more earnest than her kisses have been since she really started drinking, and the lazy downward roll of her hips feels somewhat nice beneath you. Relaxing, you let yourself close your eyes and just enjoy the warm feeling radiating down from your head to your, well, your nook, and all the way down to your toes curling against the sudden constriction of your shoes.

 

Dave is moaning beneath her and that's actually kind of nice, so you kick off your shoes to rub your socked feet against his and Rose's bare calves.

 

She groans delightfully and twines her legs with yours, and as she starts to pick up a soft rhythm that has your skirt bunching up just a little bit and providing a firm lump for your emerging bulge to curl up against instead of the softness of her backside. You sigh and open your eyes just a bit to see Dave's eyes scrunched up, mouth open, moving against Rose, and you realize the rhythm of her movements beneath you are as much a counterpoint to his upward grinding as they are a reaction to your own.

 

It's... nice, you suppose, to see his face laid so bare. He's not your type, and he doesn't have Rose's same entrancing, musky scent that you so adore, but seeing him like this is so much sweeter than his miserable shame from before. You squirm a few inches farther up Rose's back and reach a hand down to pluck off his glasses.

 

His eyes snap open, slightly panicked, and you feel yourself blushing, but you manage to hesitantly press a kiss against his forehead.

 

Pulling back, you worry you went too far. You still your movements in self-consciousness as he stares at you with his bright red eyes.

 

After a moment, though, his shock turns into a blush, and he cranes his neck up to kiss your cheek.

 

Rose, of course, giggles underneath you. "Awwww, you guys are so cute togezzer."

 

Dave rolls his eyes at that, and you feel a movement like he might be patting Rose's side. "Yeah, yeah we're adorable as fuck, stop the presses."

 

You push down against your matesprit’s back once again, more aware of Dave underneath the both of you now and close your eyes again. Back in what Dave might call the 'zone' if he were not so occupied, you focus only on the soft warmth and rocking motion beneath you for an interminable period of time.

 

Eventually, Dave starts breathing harder and the rhythm of your pile of humans gets sloppier, jerkier. If that and the growing tension in Rose’s back is any indicator, you think both of them are about ready to climax. You're not quite there yet, so you clumsily reach underneath yourself to put your hand down your skirt skirt and get inside your wet undergarments. You twine your fingers with your bulge, tugging at it as best you can in the restricted space and push your hips down more forcefully against Rose and her brother beneath her.

 

That's more like it. Beneath you the two humans break first and gasp together in uncannily similar tones. You feel Rose arch her back and spasm against you, and more dimly you register that Dave has kicked his legs out and gone stiff. Moaning, you tug faster and feel your bulge grow stiff, doing its best to crush your fingers in its tightening, wet coil.

 

You moan, louder than the two humans, and hunch your back as your nook tries to contract against a bulge that isn't there. Your bulge gives one last fight for control, lashing against your skirt and stomach as your abdominal muscles contract and release frantically. Finally, from the tip of your bulge you spurt out a thimbleful of pheromone-laden fluid, instinctually attempting to entice another troll to stuff your neglected nook.

 

Once your hindbrain realizes that isn't going to happen, your muscles give out and you flop down on top of the humans who huff out surprised laughs as you lie there bonelessly together. You roll off of Rose to give the lighter-boned humans some breathing room and sigh in contentment.

 

Rose in turn rolls off of the other side of Dave, so that he is between the two of you, and that's fine. Your hand seeks out his, which is larger and knobbier than you expected after Rose's soft, petite palms.

 

He shifts like he might be reaching his other hand to get at Rose's, but you're too busy staring at the metal ceiling plates of his block to care.

 

Dave, once again, breaks the silence. "Well, if that is what 'making it work' means to you ladies, than color me a workoholic, because _dayum_."

 

Rose and you groan simultaneously and say as one. "Shut up, Dave."

 

He laughs giddily and takes a breath like he has more babbling in store, but Rose cuts him off, saying, "Kanaya, I gotta queshtion."

 

Dave clings to your hand at her question so you go ahead and take her bait. "Yes, Rose, what is it?"

 

You hear her whisper slyly. "Can we do that again shometime?"

 

At that you can't help but laugh. "I certainly wouldn't complain. Additionally, I think I now understand the reasoning behind your bizarre human anathema for incest."

 

For some reason they groan at your revelation, but no matter. You continue. "That was much too arousing for any sizable portion of the population to partake on a regular basis; no one would get anything done."

 

Together they laugh and Dave tries to floppily hit at you until you mutually decide that despite the hour it is time to form another cuddle pile, this time to sleep.

 

Drifting off to sleep against Dave’s side, you enjoy the soft sound of the humans’ breathing and the familiar-yet-not scent of sweat, sex, and alcohol. You can’t help but feel like maybe, if you three can make this thing (whatever it is) work out, you can take on just about anything.

**Author's Note:**

> This was a super fun (and challenging!) relationship to write; I really like how it came out though :)
> 
> As always, thanks so much to my writing bro Lady Murasaki for her help as a beta and sounding-board!


End file.
